I am a virgin. I am a grown man and still a virgin. I admit it. In some ways, I wear it like a badge of honor.
I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about what many people seem to think is more pleasurable than sex:
My father drank it day and night. My mother drank it too. I didn’t like the smell. And when my father got me once to try coffee ice cream as a kid, I discovered there was, in fact, something that tasted more like stinky ass than my mother’s alleged meatloaf.
A few years ago I tried to drink an expresso while sitting at gunpoint in a moment of peer pressure with my new friends in Bosnia Herzegovina. I didn’t get beyond a sip of that mud.
Don’t get me wrong. I know Starbucks. I’ve bought and sold their stock successfully. When I was married, I went there every single morning as an act of kindness for my wife because I knew it got her day off to a good start. I also have a friend named Troy who has given me a proprietary look inside the business model of Starbucks since the place is more or less his landlord.
Starbucks is the Real Offline Star of Online Dating
Plenty of Fish is making plenty of profits. Match.com and its sister sites are part of the wealthy IAC Corporate family. And eHarmony has an advertising budget that makes today’s political spending in America seem conservative. They basically have a license to print money from singles. But who has an even sweeter deal?
Dinner and a movie are way off the standard online dating menu today. Most men and women doing online dating don’t want to go all out and risk it all on the first encounter with someone new. No one wants to commit to making a day or night of it.
Most sensible women don’t want to meet a stranger at night in the event he is the next psycho or Ted Bundy. Most chivalrous men don’t want to invest the time and expense of a nice dinner in case the woman they’re meeting looks and eats more like the offensive line of the Pittsburgh Steelers than the person she posted in her online dating profile photos.
Starbucks is the meeting place du jour. It is the online dating stick your toe in the water place of choice. If you can go through five online dating profiles without finding a man or woman saying their suggested first meeting spot is a Starbucks, I’ll buy you a Venti Peppermint Mocha and hand deliver it to you anywhere in the free world.
It has got to be a conspiracy. It is the online dating news story of the century that no one in the traditional media is telling. I’ve done countless TV interviews with U.S. Senator Arlen Specter. He was at the heart of the Warren Commission’s investigation into the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. I should talk to him about it. He just got voted out of office.
Starbucks is behind the birth of the whole online dating industry. Starbucks is the master of the movement. Trust me, if you haven’t already had an online dating first meeting at one of their locations, it’s only a matter of time.
By the way, if you’re a virgin like me, the hot Chai Latte is pretty good, but nothing even close to resembling great sex.